Understanding your fear (part 2 of 3)

Last week I wrote about changing your mindset by challenging your assumptions and asking questions. Want a refresher? Read it HERE.

The POWER of your mind is the most underrated and important part of any negotiation or conversation where you have to do or say something outside of your comfort zone.

We spend a huge amount of time making assumptions about what other people are thinking. More times than not, our assumptions are not true.

Want to know for sure?

Ask. (Also scary, but don’t you want to know?)

“I was wondering why I didn’t get that job. Would you be willing to share?”

You’re thinking, “They found someone more qualified, I could never get a job like that,” and they say, “We had a very strong internal candidate who had been working as a temp for the past year. We were required to advertise and interview to fill the job, but she was the one we wanted. She was already doing the job.”

Understanding (and overcoming) your fear
I got an email from Tim Ferris, author of The Four Hour Work Week and host The Tim Ferriss Radio Hour (amongst many other accomplishments) with this title, “Understanding (and overcoming) your fear.”

Wait a minute, am I reading this right? Tim Ferris, THE Tim Ferris, author, speaker, feels fear? Hmm.

Fear doesn’t seem to have an expiration date or go away on it’s own, the more successful you become.

Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not being enough.

Conquering it requires attention and practice.

But when you think about what to do next, to take that first step, it can feel….well, scary.

“Define your fears, instead of your goals.” — Tim Ferris (TED Talk April 2017)

To hit your goals, you have to honestly face your fears first. You may not realize that fears, hidden deep inside you, are often what hold you back from hitting your goals.

There’s an exercise I lead you through in my free email course called “Don’t Be Afraid to Negotiate” that I’ll summarize for you here. (You can sign up for the free email class HERE)

Where does fear come from? 
Sometimes our fear comes from past experiences. Maybe one of these things did happen to you and now you’re afraid to repeat a bad experience.

But more often than not we are afraid of what may happen, not of things that have actually happened before.

It’s a primal part of our make up, a way for us to protect ourselves and ensure our survival as a species. But it is NOT helping us now that we’ve moved out of caves and into the suburbs.

So take a minute right now to think about this…what, exactly, are you afraid of?

Here are some examples that I’ve heard. You can use one of these or write your own:
• I’m afraid that the other person will think that I’m greedy.
• I’m afraid that the other person will think that I’m not worth it.
• I’m afraid that the other person will say no.
• I’m afraid that the other person will laugh at me.
• I’m afraid that the other person will walk away from the deal, maybe forever.
• I’m afraid that the other person won’t like me.
• I’m afraid that the other person will think that I’m stupid or don’t know what I’m talking about.
• I’m afraid that the other person will fire me.

These are all real fears that we feel at different times in our day.

Now that you’ve identified what your fear is, think about this….if that horrible thing actually happened, would it be the end of the world? Statistically it is unlikely that any of these things will happen. But someone may disagree with you, say no to you or not like you. It does happen. And we hate it when that happens, right?

But think about what the possibilities are if you face your fear, feel your fear, and then do it anyway.

Because, my friend, you’re not going to let fear paralyze you, to keep you from getting what you want in life, in business, and in relationships.

It’s all about the other person 
Did you notice from the list of fears that we spend a lot of time and energy worrying about what the other person will think about us and about how the other person will react to us?

That puts an awful lot of power in the other person’s hands.

Power over you, over your ability to hit your goals and make a better life for yourself. Are you sure you want to give other people so much power over you?

I’m going to guess that you said, “NO” to that question.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy”. — Dale Carnegie

Next week I’ll talk about Overcoming these fears.

[[Did you know that you can book time with me right on my website? Take action, plan for your negotiations, big and small with me HERE.]]


“In this episode, we’ll explore fear. Specifically, how to manage, mitigate, and overcome fear, which is something I’ve battled for decades.
This has been such a focal point of my life that my last TED Talk focused on an exercise called fear setting, which is something I practice at least once a month and have found to be a life raft.
In addition to my own experiences, we’ll hear how Sir Richard Branson (@richardbranson), Maria Sharapova (@mariasharapova), Vince Vaughn, and Caroline Paul (@carowriter) have battled their own fears.”

Live it, learn it and love it! Share this to make our tribe thrive!

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